A word about “MADANNOUNCER”
aka "the sequel” to
The Ethics of Judge Nadeau
One of the greatest tools in the sociopath's arsenal is deflection. I have never seen anyone use this tool as effectively as Robert Nadeau.
For example, in the bar complaint I filed against him for ethics violations, I included, as exhibits, correspondence from Nadeau to the opposing party of his former client’s case, where he was offering to help in that same matter he had been representing that former client in. I also sent copies of correspondence that Nadeau sent to me, offering $31,000 to a witness in a proceeding against him. In that same correspondence, he advised that witness not to tell her attorneys about his offer. This occurred within a week of Nadeau’s being publicly reprimanded for other attempts to contact persons who were represented by counsel.
In Nadeau’s response to my bar complaint, he did exactly what he is doing now, on his anonymous website he calls “MADANNOUNCER” (which he has recently attributed to his wife). Instead of addressing the serious ethical violations I charge him with, he uses two very effective methods of deflection. The first method is one I like to call ‘poisoning the well.’ Simply put, he slanders his accuser. In the case of my bar complaint, he told the Bar that there was a ‘criminal investigation’ being conducted on me for ‘hacking’ and ‘larceny.’ There has never, to date, been any such investigation. He added further confusion by claiming that my ‘illegally gotten’ evidence had already been reviewed by the Bar in an earlier complaint and dismissed. Since much of the correspondence in question had occurred after that earlier Bar review, this claim was an impossibility.
But it worked. The Board of Overseers of the Bar dismissed my bar complaint without a hearing or an investigation.
This poisoning of the well has been extremely effective for Nadeau over the years. Anyone who has ever gone up against him has experienced it. But it doesn’t stop there. His second method of deflection is something I like to call ‘the superhero complex.’ After undermining his accusers and their evidence, he turns their attempts to hold him accountable into a victory.
Nadeau has, for example, brandished the Bar’s dismissal of my complaint many times over the years—not just an exoneration of the claims I had made against him, but as an endorsement of his upstanding ethics! Another good example of this is how he turned his retaliatory actions against the York County commissioners for not giving him the increased hours (and double salary) he needed because he law firm was 'in ruins,' into a crusade to 'provide better services' for the people of York! After all the chaos and inconvenience he caused court workers, attorneys and the people of York with those retaliatory schedule changes, Nadeau actually had the audacity to claim that the reason he withdrew his claims against me in his defamation case was because he didn't want to inconvenience the people of York by rescheduling the extra two days of court it would've taken to make his case!
The Ethics of Judge Nadeau is my attempt to hold Judge Nadeau accountable for behavior that I believe is harming the judicial system, the legal profession and the people of York County. This attempt to warn the public is a last resort that comes in the wake of significant negligence on the part of the judges, lawyer and overseers in and around the county of York, Maine.
From the beginning, I have made it clear that I would immediately retract any statement if presented with evidence that it wasn’t true. No such evidence has been presented. After over five years of heavy litigation in two separate lawsuits, Nadeau has yet to produce evidence of a defamatory statement authored by me.
I hope this sets the record straight.
Do I Detect a Double Standard?
Over the years, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out the Bible. When it comes to ancient history, particularly the Mesopotamian era, you can’t find a better source. There are other documents and artifacts from that period of course, but they tend to be random and insignificant. You might, for example, find a detailed inventory list from a storehouse in Uruk, or a depiction of a particular battle over irrigation, but these won't provide the full picture. There's just so much that's missing. Entire cultures have been wiped out without leaving behind a single artifact to document their existence. If not for the Bible, there are many nations we wouldn't have known existed.
But many argue that the Bible only tells one side of the story, and a very skewed one at that. They're right. And yet it's still the most comprehensive account that we have for this critical period in history, which many scholars consider the 'dawn of civilization.' Distorted or not, it's pretty much all we've got to go on if we want to know how our ancient ancestors lived.
From a historical point of view, I think there's value in the many little prejudices and contradictions we find in the Bible. They give us insight into the earliest politics, which were fueled by just the right combination of tribal superiority and fear, and was often corrupt. Some things never change.
When conducting research for my books I use all available resources from that period, but for the purpose of this article, I'm referencing only the ‘holy’ texts believed by so many to be the ‘Word of God.’
While I recognize the value of the Bible as a history book, I have difficulty understanding how it came to be the Word of God. I mean, doesn't everybody see the double standards?
According to the Bible, God “…despises double standards of every kind.” (Proverbs 20:10, New Living Translation). Yet, they run rampant throughout His supposed book. I only list a few of the most blatant ones below. You'll notice that I've included a lot of scripture in my examples. This isn't just so you'll be able to see the context, but also because I think this stuff is truly fascinating. I wish they would write history this way today. Imagine if you had this kind of blunt honesty in our modern day history books!
So let's start with the double standard on love...and hate.
WHAT THE BIBLE SAYS ABOUT LOVE AND HATE
“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!” (Matthew 5:44, Jesus speaking)
This advice does indeed seem godlike. But have a look at how God supposedly instructed his people to handle those who would laugh at them:
“Moses saw that Aaron had let the people get completely out of control, much to the amusement of their enemies. So he stood at the entrance to the camp and shouted, ‘All of you who are on the Lord’s side, come here and join me.’ And all the Levites gathered around him. Moses told them, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: Each of you, take your swords and go back and forth from one end of the camp to the other. Kill everyone—even your brothers, friends, and neighbors.’ The Levites obeyed Moses’ command, and about 3,000 people died that day. Then Moses told the Levites, ‘Today you have ordained yourselves for the service of the Lord, for you obeyed him even though it meant killing your own sons and brothers. Today you have earned a blessing.” (Exodus 32:25-29 New Living Translation)
This shocking incident isn’t a rare occurrence. It happened all the time in the Old Testament. I remember asking about this when I was a little girl and it was explained to me this way: ‘God sees into our hearts. If God killed those people, you can rest assured that every last one of them was evil.’ This seemed reasonable at nine years old. I mean, God would know, right?
But then again, is it even possible that every single individual in any given place could be evil? And in fact, isn’t this concept the very definition of what we recognized today as a hate crime?
A hate crime is described as a criminal act (I think we can all agree—even Moses—that murder is a criminal act) that is motivated by race, religion, sexual orientation…etc…the list goes on but those three pretty much represent the driving motivation for hate crimes in the Bible. There are too many examples of these hate crimes to cite, but they're all chillingly similar:
“One day Samuel said to Saul, “It was the Lord who told me to anoint you as king of his people, Israel. Now listen to this message from the Lord! This is what the Lord of Heaven’s Armies has declared: ‘I have decided to settle accounts with the nation of Amalek for opposing Israel when they came from Egypt.’ Now go and completely destroy the entire Amalekite nation—men, women, children, babies, cattle, sheep, goats, camels, and donkeys…Then Saul slaughtered the Amalekites from Havilah all the way to Shur, east of Egypt. He captured Agag, the Amalekite king, but completely destroyed everyone else. Saul and his men spared Agag’s life and kept the best of the sheep and goats, the cattle, the fat calves, and the lambs—everything, in fact, that appealed to them. They destroyed only what was worthless or of poor quality.” (1 Samuel 15: 1-9, New Living Translation)
Even Hitler would never have dared to spell it out so blatantly!
But even putting aside this issue of whether an entire race could be evil and deserving of death, we still find similar double standards within the 'chosen' society as well. In fact, the entire concept of law and order is constantly being trampled on by double standards in the Bible.
THE BIBLE ON LAW:
The basic laws, as defined in the Ten Commandments, are reiterated throughout the Bible. For example, “You must not murder.” (Exodus 20:13, New Living Translation) It’s the sixth commandment and it’s pretty simple and to the point. Notwithstanding the above referenced destruction of evil races, it appears that murder is still considered bad. Though acceptable for those acting on behalf of ‘God,’ it’s a whole different matter for individuals acting on their own. People can’t just go around killing each other. Not within a non-evil society. Certainly not among the 'chosen' ones, where supposedly every life has value.
Whenever I think of God’s ‘chosen’ ones, King David always comes to mind. You might remember him as the young upstart who killed Goliath the Giant, using only a slingshot and the Holy Spirit. Most religions acknowledge him as one of the great, godly and good. He’s HUGE in Jewish and Christian faiths, and he’s among the top twenty good guys in Islam.
So what expectations should we have of one so great, godly and good? Mine were obviously too high, considering that at age 13, a Bible story about him offended my sensibilities so much that it shattered my faltering faith altogether. Of course I'm referring to the story of David and Bathsheba. And here it is, right from the source:
“Late one afternoon, after his midday rest, David got out of bed and was walking on the roof of the palace. As he looked out over the city, he noticed a woman of unusual beauty taking a bath. He sent someone to find out who she was, and he was told, ‘She is Bathsheba, the daughter of Eliam and the wife of Uriah the Hittite.’ Then David sent messengers to get her; and when she came to the palace, he slept with her. She had just completed the purification rites after having her menstrual period. Then she returned home. Later, when Bathsheba discovered that she was pregnant, she sent David a message, saying, “I’m pregnant.” (2 Samuel 11:2-5)
This is by no means the end of the story, but I'm pausing here to point out a few of the more blatant double standards at play already. To give you a little background, when this incident occurs, David is a rich king with six wives and ten concubines. Yet there he is, like some kind of creepy Peeping Tom, watching a woman bathe before ultimately ordering her to be brought to him.
Meanwhile, this was the law David was strictly enforcing upon his people as the king of Israel.
“You must not covet your neighbor’s wife.” (Exodus 20:17, New Living Translation)
“You must not commit adultery.” (Exodus 20:14, New Living Translation)
“If a man is discovered committing adultery, both he and the woman must die.” (Deuteronomy 22:22, New Living Translation)
I’m not even going to address how much David's behavior resembles rape. Let's not forget that he is a king over Israel. He sends for the young woman and she is compelled to obey. What if she happened to love her husband? However, Bathsheba’s feelings are not even mentioned as yet.
If nothing else, I would've liked to have seen a little fear at this point. I mean, David's God always struck me as terrifyingly punitive. Where was the trembling and gnashing of the teeth one would expect in lieu of repentance?
“So the next morning David wrote a letter to Joab and gave it to Uriah to deliver. The letter instructed Joab, ‘Station Uriah on the front lines where the battle is fiercest. Then pull back so that he will be killed.’ So Joab assigned Uriah to a spot close to the city wall where he knew the enemy’s strongest men were fighting. And when the enemy soldiers came out of the city to fight, Uriah the Hittite was killed along with several other Israelite soldiers. Then Joab sent a battle report to David. He told his messenger, ‘Report all the news of the battle to the king. But he might get angry and ask, ‘Why did the troops go so close to the city? Didn’t they know there would be shooting from the walls? Wasn’t Abimelech son of Gideon killed at Thebez by a woman who threw a millstone down on him from the wall? Why would you get so close to the wall?’ Then tell him, ‘Uriah the Hittite was killed, too.’ So the messenger went to Jerusalem and gave a complete report to David. ‘The enemy came out against us in the open fields,’ he said. ‘And as we chased them back to the city gate,the archers on the wall shot arrows at us. Some of the king’s men were killed, including Uriah the Hittite.’ ‘Well, tell Joab not to be discouraged,’ David said. ‘The sword devours this one today and that one tomorrow. Fight harder next time, and conquer the city!’ (2 Samuel 11:14-25, New Living Translation)
The calculated way in which David plots Uriah’s death, not just putting him on the front lines, but giving explicit instructions that will ensure the soldier’s death, surely qualifies as murder. And what about the soldiers who were put in that forward position along with Uriah? We may not be able to 'see' into David’s heart but his cavalier attitude about his dead soldiers is very telling.
Finally, Bathsheba is mentioned:
“When Uriah’s wife heard that her husband was dead, she mourned for him.” (2 Samuel 11:26, New Living Translation)
How ironic—especially when talking about double standards—that the name Bathsheba has become synonymous with wantonness and adultery. She had absolutely no say in the matter, and yet the entire thing was blamed on her.
Under Israeli law, David should have been put to death. And he would have been too, if he had been anyone but the king. But alas, the Bible account does acknowledge that ‘the Lord was displeased.’ (2 Samuel 11: 27, New Living Translation) In fact, He sent a prophet to speak to David:
“So the Lord sent Nathan the prophet to tell David this story: ‘There were two men in a certain town. One was rich, and one was poor. The rich man owned a great many sheep and cattle. The poor man owned nothing but one little lamb he had bought. He raised that little lamb, and it grew up with his children. It ate from the man’s own plate and drank from his cup. He cuddled it in his arms like a baby daughter. One day a guest arrived at the home of the rich man. But instead of killing an animal from his own flock or herd, he took the poor man’s lamb and killed it and prepared it for his guest.’ David was furious. ‘As surely as the Lord lives,’ he vowed, ‘any man who would do such a thing deserves to die! He must repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole and for having no pity.’” (2 Samuel 12:1-5, New Living Translation)
Let’s set aside, for the moment, that Bathsheba's value here amounts to little more than that of a sheep, and David’s crime little more than theft. Let’s also forget that the man in the parable isn’t even killed by the rich man who steals his sheep. The crimes described in the parable don’t come close to the crimes that David has committed. And considering David's own recent crimes, one would expect a little compassion from him. But the record says David was ‘furious.’ He shows no mercy. He wants the man put to death, after he pays his victim four times the amount of the theft.
So Nathan tells him; ‘You are that man!’ (2 Samuel 12:6, New Living Translation)
It’s interesting how quickly David’s fury dies at this point. Now we get to see God’s compassionate side:
“Then David confessed to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the Lord.’ Nathan replied, ‘Yes, but the Lord has forgiven you, and you won’t die for this sin. Nevertheless, because you have shown utter contempt for the Lord by doing this, your child will die.’” (2 Samuel 12: 13, New Living Translation)
David’s punishment is that his child will die. Of course, David already has a passel of kids littering the castle from his multiple wives and concubines, so I’m thinking this was just one more loss for Bathsheba and, of course, it was the ultimate punishment for her poor unborn child. And here again, we’re left having to trust that Bathsheba and her baby are just more of those insignificant evil ones whose hearts God can see.
This is a classic example of the double standards that make up the theme of the Bible. In the same conversation, we see the law go from one extreme to the other, depending on who it’s being applied to. The lowliest in the social order (in this case Bathsheba) will always take the brunt of these double standards.
And speaking of the lowliest…
THE BIBLE ON WOMEN:
“But suppose the man’s accusations are true, and he can show that she was not a virgin. The woman must be taken to the door of her father’s home, and there the men of the town must stone her to death, for she has committed a disgraceful crime in Israel by being promiscuous while living in her parents’ home. In this way, you will purge this evil from among you.” (Deuteronomy 22:20-21, New Living Translation)
This is the standard for women who are about to marry, and it's reiterated many times throughout the Bible, both in word and deed.
Meanwhile, I couldn’t find any standard at all for the men. But from their general conduct I think we can conclude that it was acceptable for men to take multiple wives, have concubines and even, in a pinch, visit a prostitute (provided she didn’t belong to another man). This behavior is so commonplace as to be the unspoken standard.
I often wondered: Why did the people put up with it? For although I never believed these standards came from any 'god,' I never doubted their existence. It's clear that this is how the people of Israel lived. It’s taken many years for me to understand why so many people would accept—and even support—these double standards, but I think I’ve finally figured it out.
THE BIBLE ON FAITH:
Faith, in itself, is a double standard. One must violate one’s own common sense in order to follow something that makes no sense at all. Here, then, is the true genius behind the Bible: that the faithful will believe those things they cannot see, and disregard the things they can. This is glory! This is greatness! And this is really convenient for whoever's on the receiving end of these double standards.
The double standards benefit a select few, most of whom are either the authors, or in the same social status as the authors, of the Bible.
Does God really want entire races wiped out so that his ‘chosen’ people can confiscate their land? Does He really expect women to present themselves as virgins to men who have wives, concubines and prostitutes...or else be stoned to death? What would be God’s reasoning for these laws? For what purpose would he take part in these petty and self-centered pursuits?
Faith can always be relied upon because people crave a connection with their creator. Religious faith is born out of many sentiments, some of which are quite noble. Some people genuinely appreciate life, and they want to show that appreciation to the one who gave it to them. Others are afraid of death, and are hoping to get on God’s 'good side' just in case. And there are other, less noble reasons too, like having power over others.
When I was only 13 years old I asked myself: Who are people really putting their faith in? Is it God? Or is it the men who authored the Bible—a few of which we can’t even identify with a hundred percent accuracy? It’s like believing something you find written on the bathroom wall.
Wouldn’t it be more faithful to God, if there is one, not to believe? Wouldn’t it show more loyalty to our creator to trust that He would never, under any circumstances, participate in hate crimes, nor do anything else that is considered generally abominable by decent people?
But how else can we get to know God, ask the religious, if not for the Bible? And this is perhaps the most deceptive of all the double standards; that to believe in God you have to believe in something that’s been said about him. If you'll recall, the Bible was written as a result of the beliefs that existed at the time. The belief in God came first, and then men capitalized on those beliefs by speaking for Him.
Though I'll always value the history the Bible contains of our ancestors, I think it’s time to set the hatred, hypocrisy and double standards aside and have faith that our instincts about God, whatever they may be, are surely more reliable than what’s been written.
If someone were to ask you which period in history has had the most profound effect on humankind, what would you say? Many would answer that it is our present era of technology that will ultimately have the greatest impact. Others would suggest that it was the industrial revolution. But for me, it's that moment in time that historians refer to as 'the dawn of civilization,' which resulted in the ancient nation of Mesopotamia. Before you balk at this, think of all the many ideologies from that period that remain with us today. Our religions, our wars, even our fantasies are connected to that era. Mesopotamia is where you will find the origins of Judism, Christianity, Islam, angels, demons, superheroes and villians (even vampires).
Looking back five thousand years, sorting through the framents of those lost civilizations, you can't help noticing that something pretty significant was indeed taking place. The species that had existed as hunters and gatherers for hundreds of thousands of years suddenly began settling in one place, cultivating the land and even governing themselves. They came up with irrigation, armor, algebra and the wheel. They had knowledge of our solar system that even modern technology wasn't able to confirm until the 1970s. They built super-structures that would present a challenge to architects today. And, perhaps most importantly, they began to read and write.
From those first ancient records we find numerous accounts of 'angels' descending from 'heaven,' bringing knowledge and culture to the people of Mesopotamia. These superior beings, which many worshiped as 'gods,' were said to have mated with the women of Mesopotamia and fathered a fearsome new breed of giants they called Nephilim. Some historians theorize that these otherworldly visitors may have been aliens, whereas theologians believe they were spirit creatures rebelling against God. While we may never know exactly who they were or why they came, I think there is reason to believe that they were here.
Testimonies of their offspring, the Nephilim giants, are too widespread to discount, dating back to the very first piece of literature ever found (The Epic of Gilgamesh) and continuing to the time of Christ. The giants are brought up again and again in the Old Testiment, first in "Genesis" and then later in the books of "Numbers" and "Joshua." Other, apocryphal texts describe the giants in even greater detail, such as in "The Book of Enoch" and "The Book of Giants." Meanwhile, far away in ancient Persia, we find fragments of documents describing something called 'daeva,' which initially meant 'god' but appears to have changed at some point to mean 'false god' and was later used synonymously with 'monster,' 'devil' and 'giant.' The daeva was a despicable creature born out of 'the lie' (these were the ancient beginnings of Zoroastrianism). Finally, in another land thousands of miles to the west of Mesopotamia, we find the first references to the Greek gods, where giants also played a part. Though written testimony is often considered the least reliable of archaeological discovery, I think it's significant that three separate nations, all speaking different languages, are describing the same phenomenon at the same time.
What were these 'angels,' 'daeva' and 'gods?' And what became of their notorious offspring, the giants? Did they possess souls, like us? And, if so, what happened to them when they died?
It is interesting to note how public opinion began to shift in all three of those ancient civilizations after several generations with these visitors. What seemed like a dream come true was quickly becoming a nightmare. Legends sprang up everywhere of 'evil spirits,' not belonging to this earth, haunting the living and sometimes even taking over their bodies. Terror spread throughout the ancient world of this new threat of possession.
The more I research this, the more I wonder: Is it possible that the numerous claims of demons, daeva and djinn (all of which appear to be describing the same phenomenon) could be connected to those hybrid souls of the Nephilim?
In my Legacy of the Watchers series, I present my theory about what happened all those years ago and how those lost Nephilim souls—or 'the hidden ones,' as the Ancient Arabians referred to them—remain with us today. I’ve spent nearly seven years gathering information from every available source, combining science, history and mythology. Strangely enough, the pieces seem to be fitting together rather nicely, and it's even starting to make perfect sense... to me, at least.
Hopefully it will for you too.
An Interview With the Women of Online Talk Radio
Online radio is becoming more and more popular these days, possibly because of the freedom of choice if offers listeners. We can hear what we want, when we want, and then we can hear it over again or share it with a friend. It’s great for at work, at home and soon, I think, there will even be ways to select this option on your car radio (at least I hope so). Personally, I am beginning to prefer it to what's on traditional radio. For one thing, it seems more competitive than regular radio, in that the hosts are making a greater effort to get listeners to tune in. And with traditional radio, you're stuck with whatever’s on. Sometimes there’s not even a topic, just a bunch of people talking over each other about anything that crosses their mind. I find this about as interesting as listening to my three year old niece talking to her stuffed animals. With online radio you can choose any topic that interests you from the archives of literally hundreds of shows and show hosts (think of cable tv...in radio).
Another thing I noticed about online radio, as opposed to the traditional am/fm stations, is that it is not dominated by men. There are incredible numbers of women hosting shows online. In fact, there are entire radio networks dedicated to female hosts discussing everything from crafts to parenting, to relationships, to business, and so on. I have been getting acquainted with some of these women online, and was even fortunate enough to get a few of them to talk to me about what it is that they do.
But before we go any further, let's begin with introductions:
Amina Carter hosts WomanSphere on blogtalkradio.com. The show focuses on the empowerment of women. It's a positive, uplifting show.
Kathe Gogolewski hosts Mother Daughter Club Radio Show on byforandaboutwomenradio.com. She's an author and artist along with being a host. Her latest book Tato, is a bestselling fantasy adventure for kids. This is a fun show for mothers or daughters!
Cat Johnson hosts What's Hot in Romance on blogtalkradio.com. She's also an award winning writer of erotic romance. If you like reading romance and erotica this is a great show to find out what's hot. I've been a guest on her show myself! Her latest book is Rough Stock.
Susan Weed is an author who guest hosts the show ladybuglive.com sometimes, and is a guest on many other radio shows as well. She is another woman who helps empower women with her books and her shows.
"Jaxx" hosts RealTalk ~ RealWoman on blogtalkradio.com. I don't know the identity of this mysterious lady host but her manner on the air feels like being with good a friend.
Stella Price co-hosts Books Beyond the Boundaries on blogtalkradio.com. She is also an author of erotic romance. Her latest book is called Gifts. On the radio she talks books with authors and others in the industry.
Yvonne Pierre hosts The Yvonne Pierre Show on blogtalkradio.com. Her show features inspirational and informative stories of women overcoming obstacles.
Now that we're all acquainted, let's get on with it!
~ ~ ~
Ideas For Both of You
One of the most common complaints from married men is that they don’t get enough sex. Many of them feel cheated because they recall their wives being extremely sexual while they were dating.
Wives also feel cheated. They too can remember the courtship days when everything their husbands said and did turned them on. Many women believe that it’s their husband’s fault they don’t feel like having sex anymore. Others think that since they are so rarely “in the mood” they must be one of the reported 70% of women with a sexual dysfunction. Whatever the reason, women wonder, “Can I help it if I don’t feel like having sex?”
The lack of intimacy in their marriage bothers women and men alike. Sex is a fundamental physiological need in humans, ranked right up there with food and breathing according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, which places it in front of self esteem, love, and even security in order of necessity. We literally need to have sex in order to continue to exist.
There are myriads of things that contribute to the lack of intimacy in a relationship, and we will discuss some of them below, but from my research I have come to believe that those things might be secondary issues in this matter of women’s lack of desire (although they are certainly worth looking at in any genuine effort to improve a relationship and enhance sexual intimacy). The primary factor though, is the issue of "lack of desire" to begin with. The problem often begins with the way each person in the relationship understands the situation.
Think about it. If the most common sexual dysfunction in women is lack of desire (studies show that it is), and the number of women reported to have this type of dysfunction is somewhere around 70% (some researchers say more), should we even be considering it a dysfunction? Wouldn’t it, in fact, be the norm?
Somewhere along the line women’s libidos got confused with men’s, and by comparison they appear not to be working properly. Yet from a scientific standpoint we know that women’s libidos were designed to operate differently than men’s. The main difference is that the women's libido requires a bit of persuasion in order to become activated. It doesn't respond as quickly as a man's. When couples don’t understand this, it can seem like something's wrong. There are a few instances when a woman's libido will go into overdrive and it is easily stimulated like a man's, but it requires special circumstances to achieve this.
One of the things that arouses a woman’s libido in this way is the overwhelming rush of emotions that she feels while falling in love. This is why she was so much more eager for sex during the dating stage. Shortly after this stage however, her libido returns to its normal, more passive state. Often this happens after marriage, when the banality of every day life sets in. Suddenly she's not in the mood so often. Her husband feels betrayed. She feels let down, wondering if perhaps he wasn’t the right man for her after all. She might think her love for him is waning and, believing she can't help the way she feels, she will simply allow the intimacy to dwindle away to nothing. Women who feel this way can find themselves in a vulnerable position. If a man outside of her marriage captures her attention and the “falling in love” sensation hits her again, her libido will be kicked into action and this will appear to confirm that the problem was her husband all along. It won’t be until the initial lust stage passes with the new guy that she will find her interest in sex waning yet again.
The good news is that there are actually many other things besides falling in love that can stimulate a woman’s libido. Sadly, no one will bother to make the attempt if they keep thinking it isn’t working properly to begin with, or if they expect it to kick in automatically when the “right” man comes along. It will take a little bit of effort. A woman's libido has to be encouraged, awakened, activated, cajoled...however you want to put it--it needs a little jump to get it started.
If you and your spouse understand and accept this fundamental truth about women’s libidos and how they differ from men's, you'll immediately improve your situation, because you will affirm her reality and remove the pressure. He is not an ogre and she is not frigid. Things are exactly as they should be. With this assurance the two of you can now embark on an exciting adventure together where you explore the many different ways in which you might rouse her libido. For some women it’s as simple as soaking in a hot tub of water before going to bed, while others prefer to read erotica alone, or with their partner. There are so many different things you both can do to help her relax and get in the mood for sex—too many for me to list them all here. The main thing is that you both try to discover what those things are, and you keep trying until you find out what works. In the meantime, I have five sure fire tips for making the most of your efforts. And yes, it is well worth the effort for both of you, and it should be considered a normal and necessary part of your life together. Each tip has a his and hers approach to it, so you can work together. Things probably won't get better unless you work together.
(NOTE: This discussion applies to women who suffer with standard "lack of desire" issues, not women with medical problems that bring about other forms of sexual dysfunction.)
Tip #1 for HIM: Don’t be greedy.
Have you ever seen a dog that’s been trapped alone in the house all day in those first few moments when it first gets let out? He nearly jerks his owner’s arm out of the socket in an effort to see and sniff everything in every direction, and all at the same time. If the dog can’t be trained to calm down its owner might come to dread taking it outside (even though he realizes the dog needs to go outside).
Your eagerness is perfectly justified. You’re finally going to get some sex, so naturally you want to cram as many options into the event as you can. You want to milk it for everything its worth. I’m not saying you’re wrong to feel like that. All I’m saying is this: think of the next time. Remember, unlike you, she has to make a decision to expend effort in order to rouse her libido. If it ends up being an all night trip around the world you’ve just given her a reason to pass next time. On the other hand, don’t rush things either. Be aware of her needs and try to time it so that you satisfy her without wearing out your welcome. Talk to her about it. Ask her how long she wants it to last. If the experience is a good one, it will be worth her while to expend the effort again and again.
Tip #1 for HER: Don’t be lazy.
The best things in life usually take a bit of effort. Sex is one of those things for women. It's definitely not fair, but that's just the way it is. Yet in spite of this minor inconvenience, most women report that they enjoy sex once they are engaged in the activity. Even women who have difficulty achieving orgasm say they enjoy the closeness and intimacy that comes with sex (if you're one of these women, this is another thing that you and your partner can work toward improving on).
Sex provides a delightful opportunity to express affection, to get closer to your partner and to release tension. For most women in long term relationships, the "mood" for sex does not just happen very often. For some, the mood rarely comes at all. However, this does not mean that you can't get aroused. It simply means you're not already aroused. You have to get there. You need to figure out what things turn you on and you have to take the time and effort to do those things. You owe it to yourself and you owe it to your partner. It's not really fair to expect him to live without intimacy, when a little extra effort is all it will take to make it happen.
Tip # 2 for HIM: Sexy equals sex.
Most men don’t know this, but in order to truly enjoy sex, women need to feel sexy. Again, this differs from men, who generally can have a pretty good time simply seeing, hearing or thinking about something sexy. The problem is that most women feel insecure, fat, tired…and so on. You’ve heard all about it, I'm sure. And it might not even have anything to do with you. Women are constantly barraged with images and messages in the media that tell them they are not good enough. You couldn’t possibly counteract the effects of this all by yourself. It’s something that all of us have to stop supporting. As long as we keep buying products from industries that exploit and undermine women (women’s beauty magazines are even more damaging than the magazines you hide under the mattress, so I’m addressing everyone here) we will continue to damage women’s self worth, which will in turn make it harder for them to enjoy their bodies and the sexual experience overall.
In the meantime, there are little things you can do to help your wife feel more sexy. For one thing, you could act like you think she’s sexy. You’ve probably heard that you should compliment her, but my advice is to take this a bit further in order to make it more believable. Actions speak louder than words. A compliment, especially when it’s administered right around the time you want something from her, is actually quite insulting. That look she’s giving you translates to; “So you think I’m stupid as well as unattractive?” Do you really think she doesn’t know why you suddenly thought to compliment her?
Yet even a well-timed compliment is still only a bunch of words. A guy might say, “You’re beautiful,” after spending the evening ignoring his wife. This compliment is ineffective.
I enjoy watching couples at parties. How many men would you guess make an effort to make their wives feel special at a party? The answer is very few. Next time you’re at a gathering observe the married couples. The wives generally spend the evening watching their husbands watch (and sometimes blatantly flirt with) other women. What do you suppose would happen if your wife looked around for you somewhere and found you watching her? What if you took it a step further and smiled, flirted, or winked when your eyes met? Do you have any idea the impact that would likely have on her—provided she doesn't suffer a head injury when she passes out on the floor from shock? Believe me, a move like that leaves the verbal compliment in the dust. And the point is, if you really want her, show her. Many men, through some misguided instinct that makes them think they are needed to populate the earth, find themselves more fascinated with the women they haven't been intimate with than those they have. This is very bad for your wife's ego, and even worse for your sex life.
Tip # 2 for HER: Sexy equals happy.
One of the things that works wonders for getting a woman in the mood is feeling sexy. Many women believe that if they don't feel sexy it is the fault of the guy they're with. That's only partly true, and believe it or not, it's the smaller part. The biggest part of low self esteem often come from other causes. There are too many to list here, but there are a few that I want to mention because they're fixable. And putting the matter of sex aside for a moment, low self esteem can affect every aspect of a person's life, actually causing more low self esteem through poor decision making, difficulty expressing affection and depression. Why not start now to change it?
Some women don't feel good about themselves because, frankly, they've stopped trying. It takes effort to be the person you want to be. If there is something that you really can't accept about yourself, you really ought to work on it. Everything can be improved upon. Perhaps you feel that it is hopeless because the standards in our culture are impossible to meet. This actually leads me to the next issue, which I believe is one of the biggest issues women face: the media in our culture is brutally abusive to women. The women who give up might actually have a higher self esteem than those who are constantly trying to live up to the standard! It's time for all of us to take stock in reality. The simple fact is that the industries who sell products to women have decided they will sell more products if they make us feel like we are not good enough. Look at the most popular "women's" magazines. They feature myriads of articles with "secrets" for improving your sex life, articles which often focus on the most outlandish ideas for making the experience more exciting for the guy in an effort to hold on to him. The idea is to make you think they've cornered the market on sex--and everything else. Without them, where would you be? You have to better, younger, thinner, sexier, more attentive and so forth, and they have the products and advice that can help you make that happen. I have to wonder how well their products really work...I've read that it sometimes takes up to six hours to prepare a model for a shoot. These models, mind you, dedicate their entire existence to their appearance. Everything they eat and do is designed to make them more beautiful. Many of them succomb to plastic surgery. Yet after all this, somehow, the three hundred or so photos taken for that one perfect picture didn't produce a single print that is good enough for their magazine without a touch up! I find this is startling. What surprises me even more is that women buy these magazines, and their products! As soon as enough of us stop buying them, they will change. Men have magazines that entertain them without destroying their self image. We deserve the same. Based on my research, I really, sincerely and strongly feel that the media is directly related to the overwhelming low self esteem in women. Therefore my advice to you is to protect yourself from the negative influences that cause you to feel like you're not good enough.
Tip # 3 FOR HIM: Elementary, Watson.
Perhaps one of your wife’s reasons for not wanting sex is that she is tired at night. Why not offer to put the kids to bed for her while she “gets in the mood?” Maybe she enjoys reading romance or erotica to relax. Why not surprise her with books from her favorite authors? Better yet, why not read her a bedtime story yourself? Get to know your wife and what she likes, and this will make it easier. For example, many women dislike certain forms of erotic material because it falls under the type of material I mentioned in tip # 2, which undermines her self esteem (if she doesn’t like erotica, this might be why). Go to the trouble to find out what she does like. Think of it like this: you could offer to expend as much effort to help her get in the mood as she has to expend herself. And you might even discover some new ways to enhance the experience for yourself in the process.
Tip # 3 FOR HER: It's out there
There's been this rumor floating around for several centuries now that I want to clear up: you're true love will not be able to 'knock your socks off,' 'read your mind,' or anything else along those lines unless you tell him how to do it ahead of time. Actually, in addition to telling him how, you might want to draw him a map ( be sure to include pictures). 'He should know,' is outdated and just plain silly. We've come too far in scientific advances to revert back to that kind of thinking. Ask him for what you want. I promise he will at least try to do it. Men are so delightfully wonderful that way. They'll do almost anything if they think someone will be impressed. This is especially true of sex.
This means you'll have to figure out what it is that gets you in the mood for sex. This seems unromantic to some women, but it's actually quite empowering if you think about it. There are so many choices nowadays, why not have exactly what you want? There is a wide variety of choices in reading and other sexual materials, more than ever sympathetic to the importance of enhancing a woman's self esteem. More and more authors are creating heroines that are more like you and me in their romance and erotica. In my books, I like to focus on the sexual behaviors and fantasies - allowing the reader to put herself in the starring role. Many authors are doing the same. Others are creating characters that are specific to the reader, so there's erotic romance for more mature couples, for "big beautiful women," for African Americans, for Christians...you name it. And now we have "toys" to enhance the experience! There are so many little do-dads to help you get in the mood, achieve orgasm, or even just enhance the experience.
Tip # 4 for HIM: Reward her.
For most women, the desired payoff for sex is the feeling of being cherished and loved. Many women regard this as even more important than an orgasm. If you got the sex and she doesn't feel loved, she might feel ripped off. How many times would you keep making the effort to please someone who regularly disappointed you? This goes for outside the bedroom as well as in. If you want her to feel special you have to treat her like she’s special. When it comes to your wife and other women, the general rule of thumb for making her feel special is this: treat her better than you treat other women. Sounds too simple? You would be surprised how many men treat other women with more courtesy than their wives - right in front of their wives. Even worse, I have seen instances where a man will push his own wife aside to help a strange woman he has never met. This sends a clear message to your wife that she's not only not special…but that her feelings don’t even matter at all. It will be extremely difficult for her to enjoy having sex with you.
Tip # 4 for HER: Reward him.
Many women feel that their husbands should always treat them special and make them feel sexy, cherished and loved. They're right. But, sadly, most men won't achieve this...at least not for many years, if ever. This is because men show love differently than women do. One of the best books I've read on this subject is called "The Five Love Languages." It is a wonderful read that you and your husband could enjoy together. The basic concept of the book is that everyone has a love language, that is to say, a way they show and want to be shown love. Sadly, a person could be showing someone love and he or she might not even realize it if it isn't their love language (ie..."I provide for you, don't I?"). Reading the book together can help you identify each other's love language and become more aware of how to show them the kind of love they most want. In the meantime, when he does get it right, it is extremely worthwhile to let him know...and don't hold back. Men love to please the women they love, they just don't always know how to do it. Tell him through words and actions. Show appreciation when he gets it right.
Tip # 5 for HIM: Put your best foot forward.
I once read that a dead giveaway that a married man is having an affair is when he starts wearing cologne. I was surprised to learn that men didn’t wear cologne for their wives. If the mistress is worth sprucing up for, why not the wife? Or more to the point, why should a wife expend the energy to get in the mood if you can’t even smell good for her? Clean up, wear cologne, brush your teeth. This is another area where men and women differ. Men who are aroused can usually get around the grooming issue, but it’s not so easy for a woman. Unpleasant odors can distract her from enjoying the experience. You already know (or you should) that she has to work harder for her orgasm than you do, and that she needs to be able to stay focused on the erotic aspects of the event. Especially if you enjoy oral sex…why not make the idea a little more appealing by showering first? Many men prefer to shower in the morning in order to be fresh for the people he will encounter throughout that day. But will you ever get as up close and intimate with any of the people you work with as you hope to be with your wife in the bedroom? This might seem like the obvious...so why do I hear this complaint so often from women???
Tip # 5 for HER: Dress the part.
There are two reasons why I think it's a really good idea for women to "dress" for bed. And by dress, I don't mean anything too tedious or difficult. No make up or curling irons are necessary (men hate that stuff anyway). I mean cleaning up a bit and putting on something sexy. The first reason for this is because I think dressing up for sex is one of the things that can help put women in the mood. A nice hot bath or shower, a little after bath splash, skin softener...all these things arouse the senses. The other reason is that putting on a sexy outfit can make you feel sexy. Seeing yourself in a sexy outfit causes you see yourself as a sexy woman. Seeing his face when he sees you in a sexy outfit makes you feel sexy.
Having sex should be fun and bring the two of you closer together. All of the above tips go both ways, and should be standard treatment from husbands to their wives as well as wives to their husbands. These simple courtesies should not be considered a cumbersome and difficult price in order to get what you want. To learn about each other’s needs, to please each other, to put each other a bit above everyone else—these things should be considered the lowest standard of simple consideration between two people who are intimate with each other.
What is Female Friendly Erotica?
In these times of sexual openness and honesty, more and more women are revealing that they are not satisfied sexually. This dissatisfaction has opened up a whole new industry for treating what we now call sexual dysfunction. Women in huge numbers are coming forward with a wide range of sexual problems, and there are all kinds of statistics being gathered in relation to what this means. I read somewhere that possibly as many as 70% of women suffer with some kind of sexual dysfunction. Not surprisingly, to me at least, was the discovery that these dysfunctions manifest themselves most often in the form of lack of desire.
This new wave of sexual dysfunction awareness is particularly interesting to me. I have always puzzled over the supposed indifference women appear to have towards the media’s presentation of sex and sexual material, because it so blatantly appeals to men. Women are recognized only as far as their capacity to enhance the experience for men. This preoccupation with appealing to men goes beyond merely ignoring women. It goes so far as to exploit and misuse women in its overzealous effort to appeal to men, effectively turning women off in the process. Visual stimuli, for example, are preferred by men. Not only does the media use this kind of stimulation almost exclusively, but they do it in a way that actually offends women, like when they distinguish as superior a stereotypical female image that is contrary to what a real female looks or acts like. This intimidates women even as it fascinates and intrigues men. This would be fine if these images were marketed solely to men, say, as in an advertisement for men’s underwear. The problem is that they are even more prevalent in women’s underwear commercials. Even when the media is marketing to women they appeal to men!
What does all this have to do with women’s sexual dysfunction? Officially, no definitive connection has been made between women’s sexual dysfunction and our culture’s presentation of sexual material, although I am seeing more and more discussion about it from sex experts. From my research I have no doubt that there is a connection between women’s lack of desire and the way sex is presented in our media. It is a natural deduction once you put together what we do know. We know, for example, that women and men are sexually stimulated by different things. And it also generally agreed that women need to feel sexy in order to enjoy sex. With just these two factors in mind, how is it possible that a woman wouldn’t be turned off by the constant barrage of images and ideas that disregard her, stereotype her, intimidate her, and insult her?
The irony here is that men are actually far less discerning than women in regards to sexual material. They’re just as likely to find one sexual stimulant as effective as another. In appealing to women, the media would have a wonderful opportunity to double their audience and attract both genders at once. Women could encourage the media to do this by being more discriminating in their buying. If the advertisement for a product makes a woman feel bad about her self, why would she buy it?
Part of the problem is one of habit, but the other part is ignorance and laziness. Most advertisers and writers appeal to men because it is simpler. They don’t know how to appeal to women. Women are more challenging as an audience. For one thing, they are more distinct in amongst themselves than men—what appeals to one may not appeal to the next. For another, women tend to require more stimuli to become excited. It takes more finesse and sensitivity.
In my first book, Enchanted; Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women, I decided to take all of the things I had learned in my research and combine them to create erotica for women. I wasn’t certain it could be done. Everything I had read, from men’s porn to women’s romance focused on visual images of a perfectly unrealistic female stereotype. I conducted an experiment in my book by leaving out physical descriptions of the female characters altogether. This may seem extreme, but I did it for several reasons. First and foremost, I wanted to focus on erotic behaviors and sexual fantasies—not on appearances, especially stereotypes. Besides this, I wanted my readers, who I anticipated would be women, to be able to imagine themselves in the staring role.
As it turns out, most women who read my book are surprised when I mention this lack of imagery. They never even missed it. Their strongest recollections are the erotic adventures in the stories. Even more surprising is that male readers have responded similarly. I found this remarkable.
A simpler but equally important element for erotica that is written for women is that the subject matter appeals to and interests women. That is why in Enchanted; Erotic Bedtime Stories for Women each fairy tale is re-written around a popular women’s sexual fantasy. In my second book, The Twelve Dancing Princesses, each princess overcomes a sexual dysfunction that is common among women. In addition, they find the solution to their troubles without looking outside the relationship. Many writers think they have to re-invent the wheel, so to speak, by creating over the top characters and unrealistic erotic stories. This is great if you’re writing fantasy or paranormal, but if you’re writing contemporary erotica for women it ought to be something they can relate to on some level. By incorporating women’s interests, fantasies and problems into the stories, it helps the reader relate to the characters and become more involved in the story.
It takes a thoughtful, careful hand to write erotica for women, but it is an irresistible challenge in our era, where there exists such a deficiency and need for it. Psychologists are already suggesting that erotica can help treat lack of desire in women. The idea that this kind of writing could have such an impact is exciting.
One last word about sexual dysfunction; I personally feel that the term “sexual dysfunction,” when used to describe lack of desire in women is, in and of itself, a misunderstanding of women. Once again, we are expecting women to react like men. Women don’t become aroused as easily men tend to do. Even under the best of circumstances women often require mental stimulation of some kind to get in the mood; let alone in our society where women are constantly under stress. If you think about it, it is really more normal for a woman to not be in the mood than otherwise. It should be expected that women would need to encourage the mood to achieve it.
Is the economy having an effect on romance? Most definitely, but what the overall effect will be is hard to say. For the moment (spring 2009), romance is making headlines…
Dating services are reporting record profits since November of last year, with some of them claiming a 70% increase in memberships, and they’re attributing this increase to the poor economy. Apparently, love is in second place on the list of things that are important to us.
On the other hand, the poor economy is also being blamed for the reported 20% increase in domestic violence this year.
And as with all new economic trends, the increased interest in romance appears to have attracted some of the more disreputable opportunists out there. Up to 10% of internet scams are now romance related. Men and women are using false identities to finesse unsuspecting “love interests” into sending them money. The amounts are relatively small, most often under $3,000.00, but its still gotta hurt.
But then again, if you get it right, romance can drastically improve your life. Take Pony Cook, a homeless alcoholic in Raleigh, NC who got the willpower to turn his life around from a woman. After about 17 years as an alcoholic and drug addict on the streets, he met schoolteacher Barbara Abbey, and that was all it took. They were married on New Years, and…so far so good!
Also in the news, there’s the heartwarming story of Edna and Simon from Britian, two lovebirds who overcame a 40 year gap in their ages to be together (Edna’s 40 years older than Simon). Here's a married couple who kisses each other "150 times a day." I really love this story, and not just because of my own personal belief that women should be the ones trading their spouses in for younger models, but also because…well, actually, that is the main reason why I love the story so much.
With all this talk of romance, do you think men are becoming more romantic? Well, there’s at least one man out there whose getting in touch with his romantic side. Although I couldn’t find his name on his site, www.romancenews.net, the site’s originator says, “I was getting tired of hearing how un-romantic men were. It had occurred to me that perhaps this general lack of a romantic spirit among American men could actually be due to the lack of modeling of a male romantic ideal.” Interesting. I will have to keep checking back there to see what he’s up to.
And finally, for a really good romantic movie, you might want to check out Australia, with Nicole Kidman. It’s a romance both sexes can enjoy, as it’s packed with action too. Baz Luhrmann, the director, said in an interview that he was influenced by such movies as Lawrence of Arabia and Gone With the Wind. Both great movies too. Australia runs a little on the long side, but you’ll still be sad when it ends.
(and other shoe fashion for spring 2009)
I was sure this would be a very quickly passing fad when I first caught sight of the cloven shoes for women (I believe the designer who started it was Maison Margiela, but don’t quote me on that). But then again, I thought the same thing about baggy jeans, and here we are a decade later and I can no longer remember what a man’s derrière looks like. These shoes are pricy too, much too expensive for the creatures who actually have feet shaped like this (they're around $400).
Why do I have the urge to yodel?
You might be thinking, “I can design something better than that!” You're probably right. And now’s a perfect time to try new things. I actually stumbled onto a really cool design school in Ohio. I particularly loved their website. Check it out HERE.
Seriously. Why not? The world of original design is virtually untapped. There’s so much that hasn’t been done yet.
I’m imagining a hiking shoe shaped like a bird’s claw. Or, why not capitalize on our fascination with dinosaurs by creating a brontosaurus boot? If you don’t do it somebody else might. Most designers how to use viagra just keep updating classic style. Very few dare to re-invent the wheel.
And speaking of classic style, I'm so delighted to see the Victorian influence in many of the clothing and shoe designs these days. I personally love everything Victorian. All the styles from that time period are so romantic and feminine. The shoes shaped the foot perfectly. Remember these?
Did you notice that I slipped that last one in? Yes, it's from the Fidji collection. I think what first attracted me to Fidji's shoes was their Victorian influence. They're so classically Victorian looking.
And they're on sale
…for the rest of this month.
All the Fidji shoes featured on this page (more below) are $109 ($60 off!) through the end of this month.
Don’t let their adorable appearance fool you. These shoes are as lightweight in your hand (and on your foot) as a running shoe, and so soft and flexible that you can bend them in half. They offer a very roomy fit and the heel is the perfect height for walking. You can remain comfortable in them all day.
To purchase, use COUPON CODE M17NL. Call or email if you need assistance. Expires at the end of this month.